Heart Wide Open ~ Journey of a Lover

The Man with No Legs (TM)

2011-11-05T21:49:00.001-06:00

“Got one for you at the Marriott,” the man from her servicesaid. “His name is Dan. Call me when you get to the lobby and I’ll give you theroom number.”

Room 312. Every time she knocked on a hotel room door, shedeclared herself a channel for God. She rarely knew who was going to open thedoor, especially in the early days of her career, before she developed repeatclientele. This particular evening, it was a man with no legs.

Swinging the door open from the childlike stature of fourfeet tall, he gestured to indicate the room. “Please come in. I’m down here.”

He moved into the room ahead of her with his powerfullydeveloped upper body. He wore only boxer shorts, pinned around the stumps ofhis upper thighs.

She noticed that he had ordered cheese and wine. “I’mrecently out of rehab and ready to see how my mojo works with an actual woman.I’d like to spend three hours with you so we can take our time. Will you joinme for the evening?” He had a sweet smile and a sparkle in his clear green eyesthat she recognized as youthful lust.

“Yes, absolutely,” she said. “I just need to call my serviceand let them know how long I’ll be here. The fee for my time will be $600. Areyou using a credit card? Let’s take care of business first, so we can relax andget to know each other.”

He swung over to the desk and took his wallet from a drawer.Counting out six $100 dollar bills, he grinned up at her and added six more.“Just to be sure we are both well-taken care of,” he said gallantly.

“Wonderful. Let me make the call. Just so you know, thephone will ring 10 minutes before our time is up.”

“That’s fine. Glad to know someone is keeping tabs on you. Ithink three hours will be perfect, but if we decide we want to extend our time,will that be OK?” he asked.

“Yes, she smiled. She already liked him. After the call wasplaced, she turned to him. “Would you like me to undress?”

“Not just yet,” he replied. “I want to tell you some warstories first. Will you join me in a glass of wine?”

“Yes, I’ll sip a glass, but have just one, in case I haveanother client after you.”

“You’ve probably guessed I’m a Vietnam vet. I was maimed by a landmind. I lost both legs all the way to the top of my thighs, but my genitalswere undamaged, thanks to a helmet under the seat of the vehicle I was ridingin. At least I’m grateful for that.”

He took a solid swallow of wine and she noticed that hishand was shaking.

He continued. “I was engaged, and the wedding was beingplanned for May. We met in 6^th grade and I was sure she was the loveof my life. She always called me her Sweet Loverboy. I was injured in early March,due to be discharged at the end of the month. I was so close to getting out.Instead, this happened. She couldn’t deal with it. The wedding was cancelled,the engagement called off. She came to see me a few times in the hospital, oncethey got me back to the states, but the time between visits got longer andlonger. The last time I saw her, she told me she was in love with someone elseand had to quit seeing me. It was too hard on her, she said. She wanted tofocus on the new man, the new relationship. Too hard on HER? How about how hardit was on ME?” He’d raised his voice and she felt his outrage. She saw that hewas visibly trying to control his breathing.

“Now I’m having a hard time believing in love. I want tomove on from here, but I’m not sure I can. I think I’m too broken by this. Ifeel so cynical now. How could anyone ever love me like this?” He’d said allthis in a rush, with a lot of energy behind it.

She noticed the tremor in his hands again. She impulsivelyreached over and took his hand. He turned to her. She touched his cheek andlooked deeply into his eyes. “I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through this. Theinjury was hard enough, but now you’re dealing with this broken heart.” Shemoved her hand to the area over his heart. Leaning in close, she whispered,“You deserve to love and be loved. You are not defective.”

His eyes filled with tears. “Please hold me,” he sobbed.

“Of course.” She lay down and opened her arms to him. Heswung onto the bed and moved into her embrace. She held him close to her body.“I’ll hold you while you grieve,” she said. “You need to be held. You are doingjust the right thing, asking for what you need. Cry as much as you want.”

The sobs intensified and convulsed his body. She held himtight, waiting for the necessary storm to move through. Minutes passed. Hiscrying slowed, but he did not open his eyes. Finally, she stroked his cheek andsaid, “Dan, look into my eyes, please.” He slowly raised his gaze. “You havejust had a huge release. You’ve shared your burden with me and now we canlighten up. I’m privileged to be a witness to your healing. I want us to makelove so you’ll remember your manhood, your strength, your Sweet Loverboy Self.”He grinned at her through his tears.

Again she noticed the emerald green of his eyes, their depthand sparkle. He drew her closer and kissed her deeply. Her hand slowly ran downto his groin and she found a beautiful erection. “Tell me what position youthink will work best to start,” she whispered in his ear.

With a big sigh, he said, “Ah, I’ve thought a lot aboutthis. Let’s start here.” He swung himself to a chair beside the bed and slippedout of his shorts. “But first, undress for me, slowly, and tell me what youlike best about your beautiful body. Show me.”

She sat on the edge of the bed directly in front of thechair and slowly removed her heels, dropping them out of the way at the foot ofthe bed. She stood and raised her skirt just high enough for him to see the topof her stockings. Turning sideways to him, with one foot on the bed, shereleased the clasps of the garter belt that held up her stockings and slowlyrolled the black hose down and off her foot. Turning the other way, allowinghim to see that she wore no panties, she repeated the movement with her otherleg. Sitting back and placing her feet on either side of the chair he was in,she leaned back and spread her legs. “I’d love to introduce you to my sweetpussy; definitely one of my favorite body parts.” She reached for pillows andlay back, beginning to touch herself and spread her labia open, noticing howwet she was.

An hour later, each of them had fully explained theirfavorite body parts, and demonstrated what felt good. She smiled to herself asshe slowly lowered her body onto his cock. She imagined writing about theevening in her journal the next day, and knew that someday she would write thestory about this evening, this man and the part she played in his healing.

This Woman (TW) Concluded ~ Part III

2011-11-05T21:43:00.002-06:00

Introducing This Woman (TW) Completed ~ Part III Posted on jadebeaty.com, 12/2/09

Afteranother month of weekly private sessions, TW suggested that perhaps the bravestthing to do would be to plan the ceremony for the anniversary of the date ofthe kidnapping and rape (a three day range). I was in awe of her courage.Twenty years ago, she had been held at knife and gunpoint for three days asevery kind of sexual act and perversion was forced on her by these four men. Wehad a few weeks to prepare.

On the day of the ceremony, I arrived at their home around 10 AM and spent theday. I had cooked a veggie stew, which we had for lunch. We talked about thenurturing aspects of the Divine Mother. Nothing is too dark, violent orhorrific for Her. She simply widens her embrace and transforms all of it withher unconditional love. I had a beautiful statue that represented Divine Motherand we built an altar in the bedroom, with the themes of empowered passage intoanother state of being, healing and maternal love. I had them write notes totheir future children, sharing what they’d been through in their path ofhealing, so that they could bring the children into form. We talked aboutallowing TW to access that virginal innocence she had, prior to the attack, andshe was again encouraged to be in absolute control of her experience in thereflowering ceremony. As I left the house that evening, my prayers were for herhealing and potential motherhood.

We had one last couples session the next month and the change in TW wasremarkable. She was much ‘lighter’ in her energy and also seemed accepting ofwhatever took place in her reproductive life. She had let go of the desperationenergy around getting pregnant and embodied the acceptance of all that is, justas our Divine Mother does. Her sweet husband just wanted her to be happy andwell, and placed no pressure on her to have children.

Three months later, I got the joyful phone call that they were pregnant.Conception likely happened just a few weeks after the ceremony. We have stayedin touch, and they now have two children and a happy home. Sexual violence canbe healed. People can move beyond trauma and have normal lives. It is not aneasy undertaking, but walking the fire of the healing journey is so much betterthan ignoring the trauma and trying to pretend that all is well, when it’s not.

This Woman (TW) Continued ~ Part II

2011-11-05T21:42:00.000-06:00

Introducing This Woman (TW) Continued ~ Part II Posted on jadebeaty.com, 12/1/09

Over thenext month, I taught them sacred spot massage for her and gave them homeworkassignments. I suggested that they both journal after the sessions of sacredspot work, and then read their entries to each other. TW was cut and tornduring the attack, so genital massage and intentional touch were very healing.Her husband was thrilled to have something ‘hands on’ to do to help her.Together, they unwound many layers of distress, horror, terror, fear,confusion, shame and guilt. We worked on empowering her voice to say exactlywhat she needed in every moment. She got to completely control the environmentand always be able to say “No,” and have it instantly and absolutely respected.

We had another couples session and talked about a possible ceremony ~ perhaps arite of passage into her new life as a mother, rather than her old identity asa rape victim. What I know about a woman’s first sexual experience is that itis what I call an ‘imprint’ on her sexuality for the rest of her life, unlessshe heals the parts that felt injurious or disrespectful of her precious giftto her lover (or rapist, as the case may be). Very few women have a fabulousfirst sexual experience, and many of us have the type of experience that isfull of fumbling and gritting of teeth, just to get through it. I suggested a‘reflowering’ ceremony for TW, that would take place with a lot of planning anda strong foundation of safety, comfort and respect. To be concluded in Part III…

Introducing This Woman (TW) Part I

2011-11-05T21:40:00.002-06:00

Introducing This Woman (TW) Part I Posted on jadebeaty.com, 11/30/09

This Woman(TW) © was 32, beautiful, accomplished, educated and deeply in love with herhusband of four years. They had been trying to get pregnant since the firstyear of their marriage and had recently checked into fertility treatments. Theinitial tests indicated that there did not seem to be any physical or hormonalcause for the lack of conception. But TW had a traumatic history that seemed tobe blocking her ability to trust life and allow life to blossom in her. At age12, she was kidnapped and gang raped by four young men. This happened in asmall southern town and though they left her for dead, she lived and was ableto identify her attackers. Because the crime was so horrific, the communityrallied around her and provided emotional and even some monetary support forher and her family. She got counseling when it happened, and had spent years intherapy and working with other healing modalities to clear the damage of thisfirst, horrible sexual experience.

Her husbandparticipated in helping her continue to heal. He was supportive and adoring.They were so sweet with each other and had done a lot of work when they foundme, but they felt there was still something major that was going unaddressedand unhealed.

I wasstruck, in our initial interview, by their open-mindedness and sincere desirefor help. I worked with each of them individually first. I found him to beholding in a lot of rage, directed at men in general, and the men that had donethis to his Beloved, which was absolutely appropriate. He made statements like,“All men are pigs,” and “I could kill these guys with my bare hands for whatthey did to her.” When I gently inquired that if he believed that all men werepigs, how did that impact his relationship with his own masculine energy, itdawned on him that he had work to do as well.

My firstsession with TW allowed me to see where she was still accessing the story of‘her’ rape, and how out of control she had felt. She courageously acknowledgedthat the story had gotten her a lot of attention and compassion, but she wantedto be free of having her life defined by The Rape. She was sick of always‘working’ on it.

We cametogether for a couple’s session and I led them through an empoweredcommunication process. They were able to speak of their individual fears, deepgrief and anger with honesty and kindness. I began to form a plan for our nextfew sessions. To be continued…

I Choose # 1 Clients

2011-11-05T21:39:00.002-06:00

I Choose # 1 Clients Posted on jadebeaty.com, 11/28/09

My cardsays I'm an "Intimacy Consultant" and on my website I also have"Sexual Healer."

Peopletypically have one of two reactions when I tell them what I do:

1) Theireyes light up and they 'get' how helpful that could be. They have lots ofquestions and are usually more open with their hearts, bodies and minds thanthe average bear. They are often already in good relationship(s), wanting tomake them even better. They may have 'issues,' but they are actively seekinghelp and willing to consider that a woman like me might have something to sharewith them.

2) Theireyes start darting around the room and they suddenly see someone they have togo say 'Hi' to, so they can quickly excuse themselves. Or they get really quietand look at the floor, unwilling to make eye contact with me. I suspect thesefolks often have unexamined inhibitions, fears and woundings around theirrelationship with sex and those they have it with.

Wise Women - Teaching Our Men

2011-11-05T21:38:00.002-06:00

Wise Women - Teaching Our Men Posted on jadebeaty.com, 11/28/09

Wise Womanaccepts all that is in this moment and transforms all of it with her love andhealing intentions. I teach men to honor and respect each phase of his woman'smoon cycle - especially the time just before bleeding, when her emotions areraw and available. Women hold the emotional content for our relationships, ourfamilies, our communities and the World, and it is a gift to express whateveris present in each moment - all of it. By allowing emotional expression, we arealso serving by releasing distress, tension and confusion for the collective.And to think they've created a little lavender colored version of Prozac, justfor that special time of the month! Dears, don't medicate: agitate - dig deepinto the rage, horror, suffering and confusion and dance it, scream it, laughit, cry it. Bring it into the light and move it for yourself, all women,humankind. We have been oppressed for far too long. Become a love activist, amodel of a woman connected to her truth and her emotions in each moment,speaking her truth with compassion and caring for her Self first, then others.The world will change quickly. Our men are to be like trees: sinking roots,weathering our storms and holding the sacred space for our feminine dance.

Introducing This Man (TM)

2011-11-05T21:37:00.002-06:00

Introducing This Man (TM) Posted on jadebeaty.com, 11/27/09

This Man(TM) © was from a very wealthy family, old money, we might say, as his greatgrandmother had invented a household item that now exists in most homeseverywhere. The family legacy from having this foundation of wealth was drugand alcohol addiction, severe dysfunction and enablement, and incest. When hecontacted me at age 49, he’d had four failed marriages and had given up ondating or ever finding a mate. He only had sex with prostitutes and claimedthat he could not get an erection on his own, but only with someone he paid. Aswe moved into the energy work on my massage table, my sense of his lower bodywas that there were iron boxes containing his sexual and creative energy,blocking the upward flow of his life force. As I moved to his heart chakra, Iwas guided to ask him for eye contact. Placing my hand there and looking intohis eyes, six words came out of my mouth (bypassing my brain): “There isnothing wrong with you.”

Tears came to his eyes, and suddenly his body jack knifed into a fetalposition. He began sobbing and saying over and over, “I never cried after thefirst time. I didn’t cry. I was tough. I couldn’t let them win by crying” Wemoved onto the floor, so I could better hold him, rock him, as he continued torelease distress. There were waves coming off the back of his heart space,releasing betrayal and fear. He would slow down and tell parts of his story attimes, in a mesmerizing, monotone voice. “My uncle started it when I was 9. Myfather joined in. They raped me over and over, until I was big enough to fight themoff at 16. They liked to sneak up on me and drag me into a closet or bathroom.”

Gradually, his release slowed down and I helped him focus on his breathing,imagining white and golden light coming into the places where this trauma hadbeen stored in his body. I fixed us tea. He seemed drained, but more centeredand at peace. He paid me double my fee and left.

I have never heard from him again.

Tantra: Corrupted Beyond Repair?

2011-11-05T21:36:00.002-06:00

Tantra: Corrupted Beyond Repair? First posted on jadebeaty.com, 11/27/09

It is myhope that with this blog I will be able to help clear the misconceptions aroundthe precious teachings of sacred sexuality and be a beacon for those lookingfor hope: hope that intimacy CAN be learned, taught, and cultivated in ourcurrent cultural climate of insanity around sex, love and relationship; hopethat we can clear the disrespect for and dissociation from our own preciousbodies, and our sensual, sexual nature; hope that sexual wounding can be healedand moved beyond; and hope that our children can grow into healthy and happyexpressions of their own sexuality, with loving and appropriate education fromthe adults around them who care. This is a big undertaking.

I will be writing about my clients in ways that honor the confidentiality andtrust that they place in me. The stories I will be sharing, about TM (This Man)© and TW (This Woman) © will be composites of the hundreds of people that havecome through my private practice, attended my events, and shown up in myprivate life for my own continued healing. I invite you to subscribe. I have a lot to share. My work and teachings are currentlyin metamorphose. I ask for your patience and support in this transition, as Ifully open my writing voice and determine how best to share what I have learnedand will continue to learn, in my journey as a lover, with heart wide open.

First I Married the Shadow Side of my Father...

2011-05-09T10:04:00.001-06:00

then I spent 14 years in between marriages being happily single. In 1991 I entered into what I call my 'karma dump' marriage, which was to a man that held the energies of the dark side of my mother. Since the ending of that second marriage, in 1994, my inner work has been about the healing of parental wounding, and the patterns of sexual abuse and dysfunction in my blood-line lineages. I expect that the man I attract from my wholeness will bring the gifts of the balanced energies of my father, when I am no longer attracting men that mirror my parental wounds.

Harville Hendrix wrote about this possibility in his book, "Getting the Love You Want." The theory is that, until we heal the wounding from our primary care-givers in childhood, we repeatedly and consistently, in an unconscious way, attract partners who trigger that pain in us, so that as adults, we have the opportunity to move beyond the limitations imposed by that wounding. A committed primary relationship is likely the PhD program in life's journey. When a couple can agree that they have entered into a healing partnership, it is easier for both to see the patterns from the past arising in present time. Strategies can be developed for stepping out of the ingrained patterns, so that awareness of wounding from the past can be transformed by moving beyond the old reactions in present time. I'm amazed and humbled by how often couples come to me with what I call matching wounding. For instance, someone with abandonment issues will attract partners over and over who have a hard time committing to the relationship. The unconscious is asking for awareness of the pattern, so that the wounding can be healed.

What if you had a bad mother?

2011-05-08T21:55:00.000-06:00

And what if it's also your birthday?

It has been an odd day. I am starting my 60th rotation around the sun today (I'm 59) and it's also Mother's Day. I'm smack dab in the middle of the astrological influence called the Saturn return. Saturn, being the giant planet that it is, takes a very long time to return to the point in the birth chart where it began. This influence happens at 28 - 30 and 58 - 60, and, if you are still around, 88 - 90. The influence takes place over a two year period, and it is truly a death/ rebirth cycle. The themes are about your core identity and your soul's purpose in coming here.

I was born into a family with the deep and tragic wounding of sexual abuse in both lineages. My paternal grandmother, orphaned at age 12, had been sent to live with two 'bachelor' uncles - set-up for disaster if there ever was one. And I know in my bones that my mother must have been sexually abused. As I've unwound the damage from my own abuse in childhood, I've developed some compassion for her. And there's still anger. Her stubborn unwillingness to speak to me, because I'm no longer capable of tolerating her inability to talk about the past and the ways that we have always been disconnected, has brought about her complete ejection of me from her life. I've grieved her as if she had died. A part of me longs for her death, so that the outer connection that we share, that all mothers and daughters share, will at last be severed. My most challenging spiritual task is to forgive her completely. Logically, I can imagine that someday I will be able to do that. Emotionally, I still have a wounded little girl inside me that just wants the unconditional love that a good mother has for her child. I have that for my daughter. There is nothing she could do to cause me to refuse contact with her. But my mother is adept at shutting me out, even though I have made attempts at reconciliation and been met with the black hole of her hatred of me.

Over the years that I worked in a federal prison, I was often struck by the number of men that would tell me that the only woman that visits them is their mother. The thing that I can see that I've done 'wrong' in our relationship is to ask the hard questions, wanting, needing answers to what happened to me, and to understand what had happened to her. The crazy-making part is that my mother is the most charming, engaging person you'd ever meet. She was so kind to strangers, so interested in and attentive to my friends. Her light shone on everyone but those of us closest to her, my father, sister and myself. She allowed her dark side to be present with us, and especially with me. Everything that she could not accept in herself, she saw in me, and criticized endlessly.

If I'd been a bit older, I doubt that I'd ever have had a child. The responsibility of motherhood is huge. As mothers, we form our child's future, their personality and character. There are no perfect mothers, and there is no training for parenthood. If dysfunctional patterns remain unconscious, they are passed from one generation to the next. Even at the age of 17, when I became a mother, I was determined not to parent the way that I'd been parented. My greatest joy is in seeing my daughter's fantastic mothering skills and the potential in my grandchildren's lives, because they are being well raised.

My mother is my fiercest and most terrifying teacher. It has been a strange Mother's Day and birthday, and of course, I did not talk to my mother today.